Performance & Position - Funny

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED'
It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.

Impossible is only a word

Don´t shy away from challenges ... facing them is the only way you can improve.Look inside for your strength, then share that strength with others.Always maintain your sense of humor, share it with others when things get too intense.Make the play first, then decide if it was impossible.Admit your mistakes. It shows character and inner strength.Remember, loyalty is a two-way street.

Wonderful E-mail I came across.....

In the picture, just look at their condition.. no place to sleep, still they have
made some space for d cat n d dog... water poring from the roof but still
each 1 of them have a peaceful smile on their face.. Simply amazing!!!!!

The happiest people in the world are not those who have no problems,
but those who learn to live with things that are less than perfect.
Keep Smiling Always.

Award Winning Joke

2 little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are alwaysgetting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probablyinvolved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful indisciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boyto see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down andasked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting therewide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where isGod?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voiceeven more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove intohis closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG troublethis time".

.........................
("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")
....................................
................................
...........................
........................
..................
..............
.....
..
GOD is missing, and they think we did it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top 9 Funniest News paper Classifieds

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)

3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)

4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)

5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)

6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)

7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)

8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)

9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work!)

Garden Designs

Here are some cool garden designs . . . .

Cool meanings!!!! - Funny

Some funny definitions for common words...
Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other
Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test
Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
Divorce:
Future tense of marriage
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower
Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on
Ecstasy:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth
Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions
Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead
Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip
Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river
Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet
Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich
Father:
A banker provided by nature
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills

4 Liquid stages of life...

Here goes the 4 Liquid stages of life . . . . .

. . . .

. . .

. .

.

Best Interview, Must read, Funny . . .

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it ..

What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I cannot invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.

Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!

.

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!

.

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms!

.

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

.

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!

.

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

.

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.

1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.

2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.

3. I believe in flexi-timings.

4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.

5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.

6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don't mind going there in that period.

As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

.

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to INFOSYS.

. . .

.

The fellow was appointed in a newly created section 'Stress Management' in the HRD of Infosys !

Humor, To Brighten Up

Some humor, good to laugh . . .

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !!

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ?
His father replied :
Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.

Paul's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
Paul seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.
The mother wrote back the next day :
If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father !

Are Computers Men or Women?

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
.
.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
.
.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because
1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1) In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4) As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

Inspiring Thoughts

Some Inspiring Thoughts . . .

* Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

* You can't change the past, But you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

* Love...and you shall be loved.

* God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him.

* All people smile in the same language.

* Everyone needs to be loved..., Especially when they do not deserve it.

* The real measure of a man's wealth is what he has invested in eternity.

* Laughter is God's sunshine.

* Everyone has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

* It's important for parents to live the same things they teach.

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD

Here comes the seven wonders of the world !
. . . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . .
. . . .
. . .
. .
.

Christ Redeemer, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil














The Great Wall of China,China













The Pyramid at Chichén Itzá,
Yucatan Peninsula, Mexico














The Roman Colosseum,Rome, Italy













The Taj Mahal,Agra, India













Petra,Jordan














Machu Picchu,Peru

Have Confidence, Trust and Hope

CONFIDENCE: Once all village people decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all people gathered and only one boy came with an umbrella that's confidence...........

TRUST: Trust should be like the feeling of a one year old baby when you throw him in the air, he laughs...... because he knows you will catch him........

HOPE: A human being can live for 40 days without water, 8 minutes without air but not even 1 second without hope....

SO ALWAYS HAVE CONFIDENCE, TRUST OTHERS AND NEVER LOSE HOPE
HAVE A FABULOUS DAY!! !!!!!!!

Your Smile is So Important !

Smile . . .

A Smile is the light in your window that tells others that there is a caring, sharing person inside.

Life is short but a smile takes barely a second.

Every tear has a smile behind it.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence,

but doesn't climb over it.

If you see a friend without a smile; give him one of yours.

A smile starts on the lips, A grin spreads to the eyes, A

chuckle comes from the belly; But a good laugh bursts forth

from the soul, Overflows, and bubbles all around

Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.

Too often we underestimate the power of a smile, which

have the potential to turn a life around.

Smiles are the language of love.

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress,

and grows brave by reflection.

A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks

All people smile in the same language.

Children smile on the average 400 times /day; Adults: 15

times /day. Ever wonder why?

A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.

If I thought that a smile of mine, might linger the whole day through and lighten some heart with a heavier part, I'd not withhold it -- Would you ? ??

Smile becoz God gave Human this beautiful gift - A Smile....I sometimes wonder do animals have this beautiful gift of smiling???

Smile, not becoz it costs you or not, but because you can make someone smile and make their day

So Smileeeeeee please ...... Hmmm... Good, looks very good, infact suits you the best

Motorcycles 100 years ago

Did you ever seen this Motorcycles ?
Nice models....