 |
| Her first rollercoaster ride |
 |
| Something tells me he won't grow up to become a vet |
 |
| She seems to be enjoying herself |
 |
| This cop will have trouble meeting his ticket quota this month |
 |
| Looks like the family cat is going overboard |
 |
| Did any one called me ! |
 |
| Are you trying to make me happy ! |
I 'm one of the 55. Are You?
Don't even think about using spell check!!!!!!! !
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs snet tihs lnik to yuor frnedis.
ONLY SEND THIS LINK IF YOU CAN READ THIS
DNOT CAEHT
A lady in a faded grey dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun suit walked in timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Harvard.
"We want to see the President " the man said softly.
"He'll be busy all day " the secretary snapped.
"We'll wait" the lady replied.
For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president.
"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave" she said to him. The President, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."
The president wasn't touched....He was shocked. "Madam " he said, gruffly, " we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."
"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, and then exclaimed, "A building ! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."
For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now. The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university ? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name. Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
Most of the time we judge people by their outer appearance, which can be misleading.. And in this impression, we tend to treat people badly by thinking they can do nothing for us. Thus we tend to lose our potential good friends, employees or customers.
1. Rule 1. - The Boss is always right.
2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.
3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.
5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.
8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
13.. Following the rules will not get the job done.
14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous" .
16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing..
18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.
19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.
20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Once upon a time the government with Ruling Party XYZ.. had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Ruling Party XYZ Said..- "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..
"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..,
"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.. ,
"How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..,
"Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..,
"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman!
:)
After a Quarter....
Can you hear me? you must work hard!!!
A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED'
It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)
8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work!)
Some funny definitions for common words...
Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other
Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test
Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
Divorce:
Future tense of marriage
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower
Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on
Ecstasy:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth
Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions
Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead
Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip
Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river
Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet
Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich
Father:
A banker provided by nature
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Some humor, good to laugh . . .
What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !!
What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.
A little boy went up to his father and asked :
Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ?
His father replied :
Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.
Paul's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
Paul seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.
The mother wrote back the next day :
If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father !
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
.
.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
.
.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because
1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1) In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4) As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
